285. The first disillusionments
There you are already discouraged by a tiny, insignificant disillusionment, so how will you be in ten or fifteen years when the Lord has broken on you as on an anvil all the empty and pretentious shells that delude in the world where you are so upset and where you seek the secret? You shall receive more searing blows and shall be gasping for breath and doleful for days on end, yet with the marvellous little flame of sanctuary that never goes out, and the persistent odour of faith that does not go away.
Consider this in response to your weariness with this life: «It would be better never to have been born rather than to despise the life we have been given by God, and that we have stupidly darkened.».
You are impatient like those who are unaware that God and Nature act imperceptibly through decantation, and sometimes also through internal ruptures, but ruptures caused by continuous and progressive pressure, and not by a violent explosion. Your impatience and your demands would even be laughable if they were not so distressing… Prayer and dreams shall be very useful lessons for you.
288. Waiting to find the kingdom
How shall I dare to push you onto such a path? Do you understand why I advised you to pray to receive rather than to know? For if the former is possible, why risk madness, atheism and death seeking the secret of He who IS? And even without the torture of poverty and the reprobation of your friends and family, the anguish will still be immense, and the wall of the secret will be fearsome, immense, immovable, deaf, blind, overwhelming, dark beyond anything you could believe and imagine, and it is with terror that the saints turn away from the quest for the palpable secret, for the impalpable secret is already enormous, so what can we say about He whom we eat and drink? And how can I still drag myself along and stretch out my hands? A miracle! Yes, a miracle! After so many blows and so many wounds in this savage and ruthless quest. Yes, I thought: «If there is just one, I shall be him», and it happened and that will happen, but in what state! Unbound, sure, but by blows from an iron bar, whipped and crucified like my Lord, panting and still covered in vile filth! And yet I must rise again and live in the eternity of glory, the splendour of the Perfect One, and march towards the destiny of Moses, of Eliah, of Enoch, of Melchizedek and of Jesus Christ, which is the final and restful destiny of the sons of God. Who would not pay the asking price for such an end and for such a beginning?
